A Farewell Address

Well, hey there, ladies and gentlemen. It’s me, your favorite lady-governor, here, and I guess it’s time to say my goodbyes. I know, it’s real sad, isn’t it? But don’tcha fret… I’m not really leavin’ ya. I’m just quittin’ my job, kids. I know, I know… you hired me to do a job and then I just up and quit on account of I didn’t really love how things were goin’, what with how dishwater dull it is up here and on account of most o’ my time now bein’ filled with lookin’ up “President of the United States” on the Wikipedia. So I thought, “How can I really best serve you, the folks that elected me?” And I figured it out: by quittin’ and maybe writin’ a book about the “politics of sass” or somethin’ like that. Whaddya think? Or, y’know, I thought maybe I could hook up with that Elizabeth Hasselback and that Carrie Prejean and we could have our own li’l version of “The View” on Fox News! That sounds fun, don’t it? Either way, it’s gotta be better than runnin’ this backwater state. Oops. I mean, “better,” as in, that’s how I can serve you better… by doin’ somethin’ on the national stage for Alaska. “Drill baby drill” and all that. And, hey, if helpin’ you all out means becomin’ the first lady-leader of the free world, well, ok then. Not that I’m necessarily gonna run for president. I might do it, of course, if the book doesn’t sell or they give my time slot to “Hannity’s Fear Factor” or somethin’. And to be honest, I probably will either way, I guess… But only because you deserve the best darned president ever! And who better to run the whole darned country than me? I’ve got patented in your face attitude to spare. It’s a shame that the liberal media can’t see that. They’ve been a pack of sourpusses, lately, huh? Always talkin’ ‘bout me like I’m some sort of circus sideshow. Is it my fault that unless I say something crazy or moronic, they don’t even mention me on the news? Remember when it used to be all-Sarah all the time? Anyways, those horrid, subhuman vultures in the media elite only seem to want to say nasty things about me! I don’t understand it… what did I ever do to those no talent, thumb-suckin’, puke-faced, illiterate asswads? Did they take offense just because I accused them of makin’ up stories about me and my family? Are they angry that I point out, daily, that they are the sole reason for the collapse of decency in our society? I love America! And soldiers! And babies with special needs! It seems to me that the venomous cretins who seem to “report” the “news” without so much as a gosh darned thought about how it affects me must, if they dislike me so much, also hate America, soldiers and babies with special needs. And that’s just wrong. And, yes, ok, I shoot animals from helicopters. So what? If these mollycoddled, whimpering li’l milk-babies can’t stand to see a real American woman do real American things like kill real American animals from real American helicopters, then maybe they oughtta just move back to the bad Korea, am I right? And sure, you can betcha that the liberal media will trot out their pretty starlets, and they’ll tell ya that I’m just some malicious gun nut blowin’ the heads off anything that freaking moves in my general vicinity, but that’s not the whole truth, my friends. No. What they won’t tell you is that I personally field dress and skin every one of my victims. Yeah. I’m not squeamish. I’m a red blooded American, not like those Gucci-wearin’ phonies! Soldiers! Apple pie! So, these darned intellectual liberals in the media with their crazy agendas will probably try to tell ya, on their “websites” and “iPhones” that I’m some sort of anti-intellectual, anti-media, egotist supermodel genius. And they’re right. Because I’m standin’ up for you, middle class America. I shop at Wal-Mart too! I won’t budge an inch to these educated hucksters and their need for logic, or reason or fancy-schmancy sense-makin’. You wouldn’t want me to! I can tell you love me just the way I am! And for that, I’m eternally grateful. It’s been a pleasure sort of half-heartedly serving you for the past however many years I’ve been stuck here in this freezing hell. Sure, I spent a good part of that time tryin’ to become the vice-president. And then I spent a lot more time givin’ interviews to conservative bootlicks who were so impressed with my bearskin rugs and snow machines that they forgot to ask me anything ‘cept how proud I am of my soldier kids. And, yes, then I spent even more time sendin’ my daughter on a whirlwind press junket just so I could chastise the media for talkin’ about her and that adorable li’l baby that made her into a worldwide celebrity by givin’ her an excuse to tell other teenage gals why havin’ a baby would be the worst thing they could possibly do. And, ok, after all that I just up and decided to quit because, let’s be fair, I’ve got WAY more interesting things to do. But it’s been a real treat. Now, I’m sure I can count on all yer votes if I do happen to run for the presidency of this great country in 2012. Which I’m not sayin’ I’m gonna do. But I am gonna do it. And I promise I won’t get bored with that job. Unless somethin’ way better comes along. God bless Alaska, God bless special needs babies, and God bless America!